Boardania - Tales From The Shed part IX

Another Meeting

I'm writing this on real paper with real ink. I've just had the best meal I've had in goodness knows how long and last night I slept in a real bed in a real house! All this was the result of a meeting that the gang had the other day. The only thing I'm missing is my little badger chums. I hope they'll be alright without me. I think they look up to me somehow - like I was their leader or something. I've managed to attach an old black sock to a white T-shirt, that I've stuffed with a cushion. If I squint my eyes, it looks a bit like dear old Bessie. It even smells a little like her... Oh gods! How I miss her so. Her dear little black, runny nose, those bloodshot, yellow eyes and those darling, needle-sharp teeth... I wonder what she's doing now?

I've got to try and put the badgers out of my mind and concentrate on writing this. There's a lot to remember about the meeting and I've got this habit of dropping off to sleep as soon as it gets cold.

As with the last meeting, I was brought into the Scouser's house and sat in the comfy armchair with a pillowcase over my head. Everyone arrived eventually and the meeting got underway.

One said: I called this meeting to discuss the problems we have been having with our... guest recently.

One said: Has he been sick again? My generator could do with some more fuel?

One said: No! He's been fine, as far as that is concerned. It's other problems that we've been having.

One said: Like what?

One said: Ok. I'll try and explain.

One said: Go on then - we haven't got all night. There's motor racing on tonight, you know?

One said: As I was saying. Some of you may be aware that I have an interest in badgers.

One said: Hah! Talk about understatements!

One said: As I was saying - I'm interested in badgers. Recently our guest asked me to borrow a few reference books for research purposes. Now, as you can imagine, I was chuffed to think that a few of our stripy friends might make an appearance in the next book...

One said: Well, it will make a change from ****ing sheep!

One said: Llook boyo, it's not my faullt if he put one or two sheep in the stories. It's not llike I've tried to inflluence him or anything - llook you.

One said: Hah! Don't make me laugh. I've seen you down that shed every five minutes. Leave the poor bugger alone will you. We're all sick to death of sheep. And will you take that sodding, stupid hat off? You're not at one of his posy bloody signings now.

 

One said: Don't mock the hat boyo. This hat has been one of the main reasons for the popullarity of the books.

One said: No! It's because you're a baldy twat and you're trying to hide it!

One said: If I wasn't a pacifist, boyo, I'd ****ing killllyou for saying that!

One said: Will you two shut the hell up? We are trying to hold a serious meeting here - m'kay.

One said: ...as I was trying to say... I was chuffed that there might be one or two badgers in the next book, but he has become completely obsessed by them - understandable though that is. Oi, Carrot Boy! Read that bit out from the new book.

One said: Ahem! "Commander Brock, the new chief of the city guard, surveyed his squad. He had got rid of all the old members and replaced them with completely new recruits. They all wore smart new black and white striped uniforms. There was: Captain Badger, Sergeant Meles, Corporal Mustellidae, Lance Constables Mellivora, Sett, Oligochaetes and Mellinae. He had to admit that there wasn't a finer group of men for miles around. He glanced at the station clock and noticed it was nearly four-thirty. Quickly dismissing his men, he rushed off home to read to his darling daughter, Bessie, from her favourite book: Where's My Badger? He was..."

One said: Ok, so what's your point? It all sounds pretty good to me.

One said: The point is all those names are badger related. Even Constable Oligochaetes is a bloody earthworm! And that's not all.

One said: Well, it doesn't seem that bad to me - isn't this what he does - word-play thingies? I always thought it was quite clever.

One said: That's a laugh! You've had to have every single joke explained to you in minute detail.

One said: Can we get on, please? What else has he done?

One said: You know the witch's cat that changes into a man?

One said: Ooo yes, I love that!

One said: Well... It doesn't change into a man now.

One said: Nooooooooooooo!!!!

One said: Give her a hankie for God's sake.

One said: Anyone got smelling salts?

One said: Have you looked at him recently?

One said: What do you mean?

One said: Turn the spotlight on him and take the pillow case off him.

One said: Bloody hell!

One said: Oh! My! Frig!

One said: Dear lord!

One said: What? He looks perfectly ok to me.

One said: How long has he looked like that?

One said: Like what?!

One said: He even looks like a badger!

One said: That's not all. Put the mask back on him.

One said: There's more?

One said: We found some papers that he's been writing and it's nothing but badger, badger, badger. Heavens knows what he's been using for ink. We confiscated all his writing material after his escape attempt. This stuff glows in the dark!

One said: It's all very well doing research, but this is just obsessional.

One said: I've saved the worst for last.

One said: Can it get any worse?

One said: He's taken my Bessie Boos away from me! [sniff]

One said: Pull yourself together man! - What the hell are you talking about?

One said: My lovely, sweet Bessie won't come near me anymore. She actually growled at me when I tried to pick her up the other day. I went in the shed the other day and he was sleeping with her!

One said: That's disgusting!

One said: Erm... I don't mean 'sleeping' with her. I meant she was asleep with him.

One said: Oh... Right... Still - absolutely disgusting anyway. Sleeping with badgers... yuck!

One said: Oi, there's nothing wrong with a little badger love you know! Badgers are warm hearted, lovable animals and they smell so... fragrant.

One said: Erm...

One said: Well I...

One said: Are we having a tea break at some stage?

One said: Ladies and Gentlemen! This is getting us nowhere. What are we going to do about this matter?

One said: Well I think we need to get him away from badgers for a bit to start off with.

One said: I agree. We can't let this nonsense get in the way of the book.

One said: I think we need to get him completely away from badgers altogether and away from here.

One said: Poor old chap. Perhaps we've been pushing him too much. The strain is no good for him.

 

One said: Ok! A show of hands. Hands up if you think we should move him away from here and away from all things to do with badgers.

One said: Well that's pretty much everyone. What about you?

One said: Ah ha! Commander Brock! I get it! Brock, as in badger!

One said: Oh, forget it!

One said: The meeting is now closed. He'll be kept in the spare bedroom and away from badgers until we can find a more permanent place to keep him.

Golly, I'm tired out after that. I need to have a nap.

Goodnight Bessie my love - wherever you are!