The Meeting
He's taken all my pens and pencils off me as part of the punishment for trying to escape. All my book writing is being done on an ancient PC and saved to disc. This means that I don't have any paper at all now, apart from what I can scrounge from the badger-feed bags. I've come up with this pen I'm using now, which I've made from an old nail and the ink is made from dried badger droppings mixed with spit. It actually works quite well as long as I don't inhale the fumes, and as the writing glows in the dark, I can write after the light goes out.
Anyway, now it's reasonably safe, I thought I'd better write down my experience of the punishment while it's still fairly fresh in my mind.
After my unsuccessful escape attempt, I was dragged back into the house and forced into a comfy armchair by the Scotsman and the carrot boy (I think he must be a vegetarian, that's the only reason I can think of for the T-shirt). They were obviously very angry, but they seemed completely unable to decide what to do with me. In the end it was decided that they needed to have a meeting of everyone. This was arranged for later that evening. In the meantime, they tied me up and put a pillowcase over my head. Thankfully they left me in the comfy chair. It was so comfortable that I must have fallen asleep, because when I woke up I could hear a lot of voices. All sorts of voices and strange accents, both male and female. I could hear the Welshman complaining about his head, which actually made me smile despite the situation I was in. Then the room went reasonably quiet and the meeting seemed to have started.
One said: "This cannot be allowed to happen again. Suppose he'd got away and was able to identify us?"
One said: "How could anyone have been stupid enough to fallll for his phoney Wellsh accent, llook you boyos?"
One said: "We need to punish him, or he'll try it again."
One said: "It's not my fault. I thought Carrot Boy was keeping an eye on him."
One said: "Oh yes! Blame me why don't you?"
One said: "Well if you insist. It's all your fault."
One said: "Does this spoon belong to anyone?"
One said: "Stop it! This is serrious, m'kay?"
One said: "I agree that he needs to be punished. His writing hasn't been up to scratch recently either."
One said: "Rubbish! It's the best it's ever been."
One said: "I love those lisping hunchbacks."
One said: "Well I think they are an abomination."
One said: "Where's the toilet?"
One said: "Why didn't you go before we started?"
One said: "I didn't want to go then."
One said: "Enough! We agree that he needs to be punished. I suggest the pit."
One said: "Well I think we should let my monkey sort him out."
One said: "I suggest a Deathmatch."
One said: "Pit 1 - Monkey 0."
One said: "Pit 2 - Monkey 0."
One said: "Pit 3 - Monkey 0."
One said: "Pit 7 - Monkey 5.
One said: "Pah! There's always one!"
One said: "That should be Pit 4 - Monkey 0 and I'll go for Pit as well."
One said: "Well make your vote properly then moron! For gods' sake, it's hardly rocket science!"
One said: "Don't you speak to me like that. Just because I'm new doesn't mean my vote isn't important."
One said: "Yes it does. You're a newbie non-entity and no-one cares what you think."
One said: "Well if that's the way you think about it, I'll leave and, and, and never come back!"
One said: "Good riddance! Arsehole!"
One said: "Erm. Pit 5 - Monkey 0."
One said: "Monkey 0? The bloody monkey was your idea in the first place."
One said: "Yes, but everyone else wants the pit. I can change my mind if I want to."
One said: "Hey everyone, I'm back and worse than ever!"
One said: "Right, I've had enough of you. Nobody speak to him - ok?"
One said: "Don't tell me who I can speak to or not. Just because you don't like him, doesn't mean that we all don't."
One said: "Ok, if you don't want to speak to this idiot, vote now."
One said: "I vote not to speak to him."
One said: "I also vote not to speak to him, he's nothing but a trouble maker."
One said: "I've never met the guy, but if everyone else thinks he's an idiot, I won't speak to him either."
One said: "I'm certainly not going to speak to him."
One said: "Look, I'm really sorry. Can't we all be friends and start over again, huh? You're turning everyone against me."
One said: "The consensus it to ignore you."
One said: "Yes -ignore him. That means you don't speak to him!"
One said: "I wasn't 'speaking' to him, I was just explaining that we weren't talking to him."
One said: "By bloody well speaking to him! What is it with you people that you always have to have the last word?"
One said: "But you just had the last word.
One said: "Heh! Now you have."
One said: "Lol! Now I have."
One said: "Ouch! What did you do that for? That bloody hurt."
One said: "Serves you right for being a smartass."
One said: "****, ****, ****, *****, ******!"
One said: "...so... Can I come back then?"
One said: "Argggg!!!!"
One said: "Oh crap! I think you've killed him."
One said: "Don't worry the badgers will get rid of the evidence."
One said: "So... The pit then?"
Everyone said: "Yes!"
I was taken away down some stairs into a cellar.
That last bit was so emotional that I need a break. I'll write about the pit soon. I'm also nearly out of badger-poo ink. I'll need to make some m
